getting grip with grief
What is it with grief? Why is it difficult to get out of grief? How does grief take hold of one?
Losing someone that is dear can be traumatic. What is more traumatic however is the constant remembrance. The little moments remembered, the last discussions that continued to play in your head and the little instances and situations you can remember vividly. The restaurant you went to eat, the perfume he/she wears, the mannerisms, the beautiful songs you both like listening to and the particular colour and clothe the one who left like putting on. Coupled with these are the unanswered questions that race through your mind. The search for meaning and the frustration when such search seems futile. One should not forget the feeling of doing nothing that slowly creeps on you the moment you realise that really your loved one had gone away finally. Meaning you can never chat again, discuss issue, get angry with or at or even laugh or share things together. You suddenly remember those things you wanted to say to them that you have not said. The questions you wanted to ask that you can never ask again.
It is only then and then that you fall deeper into feeling low. You want to ask, what is the essence of it all? What is the use of living and why are there no preparation for death?You wonder about quickness of it for those who died without a lot of suffering and the need for it for those who had to suffer a lot before finally going. You ask yourself and project, is this the way you will go too.Then, there come the practical issues: time, invitations , money, planning the burial and all the other things death usually generate most especially in the African society. Also the aftermath of the burial and the problems of tying up loose ends. You wonder as you wander from day to day: what is the need for it all? Why are we here?
After all the occasions and the funeral rites, grief prepares herself and resides in your house and being. The empty house and space stares at you and in the case that you have lived closely with the one who died, it will look as if you are hearing his laughter, his words and footsteps in the home. At night you have the feeling the person is beside you and then that is when grief blooms. If not handled well during this period it may lead to depression and subsequent death of the partner. So what should you do in the season of grief?
The first step towards coping with grief is acceptance. Accept the fact that death, grief and other sad happenings are part of life.
Secondly, move on with life and accept the reality and the fact of loss. Convince yourself about how the one gone will not like you to put your life on hold because they left. Try to see life from the fact that your living and moving on is an act of continuing the love you have for the lost person.
Learn to create actions that will help you to memorialise the person you lost. It could be a foundation, some actions, gifting or setting up a school or a concern in the name of the one you lost.
No matter the situation and the depth of love for the one you lost, don’t allow grief to bury you and realise succumbing to grief may make you lose your purpose of life and deprive you from contributing to life. Life is worth living and GRIEF should not deprive someone or anyone from living.